Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Neurotic's Guide to Book-Borrowing

I'm not a neurotic. I admit nothing. However, when it comes to the safety and welfare of my books, I'm like Monica from Friends. The yellow gloves come on and the obsessive-compulsive neurotic tends to come out.

Recently, I was explaining my book-borrowing reservations with family and somebody piped up and said, "You know, you should really write about this." Whether they meant it or not, I thought, "You know, you're right. It's time." And so...without further ado is my Neurotic's Guide to Book-Borrowing.

I'm not the only one who gets protective over my books. On Twitter, I was dicussing Kresley Cole's A Hunger Like No Other and absurdly felt the urge to mention that I'd loaned mine out to a friend and hadn't seen it for nearly a year. Those Lachlain fans threw righteous fireballs at my head! And rightly so. Some of the nicest people I know break spines and dog-ear pages. In this day and age, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW! What's a book-lover to do? The following is the form potential borrowers must fill out before I can decide whether or not they may take books off my shelf....
1) List three references - including relation and phone number

2) Are you willing to submit to a background check?

3) Have you ever committed any of the following offenses: spine-breaking, dog-earring, or bathtub reading? (Note: Owner has the right to demand a polygraph test.)

4) Do you agree not to eat while handling this book?

5) If the book is damaged, are you willing to pay for a replacement? In advance?

6) Do you agree to return this book within a three-week period?

7) Can you demonstrate how far you open a book to read it? Four inches? Five? (If you open it further, please stop filling out this form and do not request another.)

8) If a dispute over a borrowed book does arise, please be aware the owner will not hesitate to press charges in a court of law.

I know I'm not alone. If there are any other neurotic booklovers out there?


Meandi's corner said...

*raises hand* present. But they are my babies you don't loan your child out to get beat on so.....

Amber Leigh Williams said...

My thoughts exactly!